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“Growing up is at heart, the process of learning to take responsibility for whatever happens in your life.” bell hooks Today it’s been 3 weeks since I put my cat, Jade, to sleep. I don’t remember when I first wanted a cat. It might’ve been when I was young, but my first cat memory is from college, when I spent Wednesday nights having dinner and watching West Wing at my friend’s mom’s house. They had several cats and at one …
I keep telling myself that I’ll get used to the face she makes, but it isn’t true. Or at least, it hasn’t happened yet. Twice a day now, since October, I have given Jade “treats”, and by treats, I really mean treat-coated pills. We’ve dropped her meds down to cipro, pred, and pepcid, twice a day. Back at the beginning, or even a month ago, I could trick her into eating them: I’d prep the pill pocket, then give it …
She waxes and she wanes. At her fullest, at her most empty. Each will return again. By listening to the silence of her being, she stays present to the pain, present to the pregnancy. Her possibilities, her potential, will return, if she misses it this time.
“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it. It’s like boats. You keep your motor on so you can steer with the current. And when you hear the sound of the waterfall coming nearer and nearer, tidy up the boat, put on your best tie and hat, and smoke a cigar right up till the moment you go over. …
The other Monday night I beat a 25-year long enemy. We fought for years, and I designed my life around it. Choices were made, foods avoided, meals untried. Creamy food. Yup, that’s right. Creamy food was my mortal enemy: I’d have panic attacks, go home from work, gag at the smell of creamy food near me. My aversion to creamy food was tied to childhood trauma and I wasn’t interested in learning to like creamy food. It was easier to …
